Inner chambers
Dec. 17th, 2004 02:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
avadI'm going diving again....looking for something..I'm not sure what...following flickering halfsigns...
Impossible (or just difficult) to explain to others...what/why I must do.
Surfing memories...touching...looking through them like files...there- over there- something!Closer.
Me at 16..17...a certain dress...yes..the belt..important...the feeling of the belt..makes me feel grown up?...and it is warm, hot,humid weather...makes a dew on the skin...look at the wall..the cement wall..touch it with fingers..tracing the roughness...sounds..construction going on nearby..muffled..by the air and distance...where am I? Puerto Rico? Florida? Someplace hot..maybe just LI in summer..either way..I'm in.I know how it feels to drink water from a bottle there and have a few drops momentarily cool on the corner of my mouth and then warm as they adjust to my temperature. Flushed face. Why am I here...in this memory...what am I looking for...So many things attached..thinking of the belt, then I can see my white closet, I can see the rug in my old room...ok so I am in my old house now....But where was i before...with the waisthigh concrete wall..outdoors...?
*sigh*
I'm out again. Something nagging me...making soft sounds within some little box in a little room in an inner chamber of my mind.
The shades are drawn. I Pray the phone does not ring again. I need quiet. Space. I hear seagulls...no perhaps crows...the sounds have threads to many other memories and spaces...I flick through them quickly barely tasting. Car sound in the distance..almost triggering a dive...but then the refridgerator hum comes on loud and I'm back up. It is all right here...waiting. The dimensions overlap. I have my hand on the doorknob...
Impossible (or just difficult) to explain to others...what/why I must do.
Surfing memories...touching...looking through them like files...there- over there- something!Closer.
Me at 16..17...a certain dress...yes..the belt..important...the feeling of the belt..makes me feel grown up?...and it is warm, hot,humid weather...makes a dew on the skin...look at the wall..the cement wall..touch it with fingers..tracing the roughness...sounds..construction going on nearby..muffled..by the air and distance...where am I? Puerto Rico? Florida? Someplace hot..maybe just LI in summer..either way..I'm in.I know how it feels to drink water from a bottle there and have a few drops momentarily cool on the corner of my mouth and then warm as they adjust to my temperature. Flushed face. Why am I here...in this memory...what am I looking for...So many things attached..thinking of the belt, then I can see my white closet, I can see the rug in my old room...ok so I am in my old house now....But where was i before...with the waisthigh concrete wall..outdoors...?
*sigh*
I'm out again. Something nagging me...making soft sounds within some little box in a little room in an inner chamber of my mind.
The shades are drawn. I Pray the phone does not ring again. I need quiet. Space. I hear seagulls...no perhaps crows...the sounds have threads to many other memories and spaces...I flick through them quickly barely tasting. Car sound in the distance..almost triggering a dive...but then the refridgerator hum comes on loud and I'm back up. It is all right here...waiting. The dimensions overlap. I have my hand on the doorknob...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 12:25 pm (UTC)hehe
no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 03:36 pm (UTC)Then I open it up and find a whole new section to the house or complex or whatever, and I go in, deeper and deeper, exploring, hoping to find something but never knowing what. Perhaps because this is a new place that I'll find new solutions to my problems? New hopes? New abilties, friends, teachers, what?
Hope?
I remember the last adventure with hawaiian baby woodrose seeds I went around smelling everything. All my old clothes, my bedsheets, even the carpet. It was like an adventure, a dream, in which all the associations completely flooded me. I was naked on a pile of clothes, halway burrowed into them, and I was holding this sweater to my nose and inhaling the scent over and over like an addict shooting his drug of choice. It was so good, so cozy, just what I wanted.
Maybe if looking doesn't work we should trust one of our more primal senses to lead the way?
no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 04:41 pm (UTC)hmmmmm perhaps......!
no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-17 09:52 pm (UTC)I know I suck as a 'real live friend'.
for what it's worth, I like seeing your lil iconface pop up.:)
*sigh* I don't know much what to do with real people it seems.sad
oh stop it
Date: 2004-12-18 03:26 pm (UTC)