*SIGH*

Ugh, I've just deleted an entry because I can't explain my mood very well. I'll try once more.:
I feel frustrated/impatient/not well. Like in a nightmare when you're surrounded by zombies. People you love. Sleepwalking. And you can't scream. And you can't do anything. But it all feels so wrong. Minor chords in the background. Blank eyes. Mouths moving, reading scripts. And you want to WAKE UP. Because this can't be real. Because they must be faking. Or they drank something or were bitten by something. But it's everyone. And you are the odd one out. You are the problem. Your thoughts are not normal. Your questions are interferences. And someone is approaching with a needle and a pitying stare and you have to run run run far away! NO!! I want to WAKE UP!!
But if you wake up now, you'll miss the party. You'll miss the pleasures. The challenges. (a voice seems to say.) If you really wanted to wake up, you wouldn't still be here.

Reminder to Self

The Door 8/8/2002
I feel I'm entering a new phase of my life. There is no use resisting, I can see all the steps that led me here to this door and now it's obvious I must open it and walk through. I'm hesitating a bit, feeling the fear of 'success' which means in fact a whole lot of resposibility and a commitment to working to my fullest potential. My lazy side protests. And also the part of me that would prefer to be 'just' a quiet hermit artist...with more nondoing than doing, more observation than action, and endless stretches of time to just Be. But I have to acknowledge that I feel a deep sense of purpose that is unfolding day by day, and it would seem unthinkable and irresponsible to try to ignore it. This is who I am,in this life anyway. These are my talents and strengths and this is what I may try to do for this world. Each of us has a role. And we must play it to the best of our ability.It may not be the actual actions that count so much but the flowing of energy in a certain direction, the expansion of the heart, the willingness to try. Dreams came to me years ago, speaking of things that seemed so improbable and so beyond me. Now my life is catching up to them, pathways illuminating.
I've only been able to really talk to B. about it. I just don't know where to start in explaining to anyone else. There's so much that lead up to this vision, all my artwork was one stepping stone after another, all my reading and searching and looking and contemplating and dreaming and hoping and hammering. So many ideas coming together, connecting, showing different scales of the same hope. Guide me, I asked. I feel so guided. Help me to see, I asked. I am starting to really see. How can I help, I asked. I am realizing.

Now I ask for the strength not to back away from this. For the strength to open the door and walk with confidence into this new phase of my life. For the ability to balance new projects into my life without letting other aspects suffer. To let go of what needs to be let go of. To have faith in my abilities. To flow with life forward and not cling to branches and logs in the river.