Reminder to Self
May. 7th, 2003 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
avadThe Door 8/8/2002
I feel I'm entering a new phase of my life. There is no use resisting, I can see all the steps that led me here to this door and now it's obvious I must open it and walk through. I'm hesitating a bit, feeling the fear of 'success' which means in fact a whole lot of resposibility and a commitment to working to my fullest potential. My lazy side protests. And also the part of me that would prefer to be 'just' a quiet hermit artist...with more nondoing than doing, more observation than action, and endless stretches of time to just Be. But I have to acknowledge that I feel a deep sense of purpose that is unfolding day by day, and it would seem unthinkable and irresponsible to try to ignore it. This is who I am,in this life anyway. These are my talents and strengths and this is what I may try to do for this world. Each of us has a role. And we must play it to the best of our ability.It may not be the actual actions that count so much but the flowing of energy in a certain direction, the expansion of the heart, the willingness to try. Dreams came to me years ago, speaking of things that seemed so improbable and so beyond me. Now my life is catching up to them, pathways illuminating.
I've only been able to really talk to B. about it. I just don't know where to start in explaining to anyone else. There's so much that lead up to this vision, all my artwork was one stepping stone after another, all my reading and searching and looking and contemplating and dreaming and hoping and hammering. So many ideas coming together, connecting, showing different scales of the same hope. Guide me, I asked. I feel so guided. Help me to see, I asked. I am starting to really see. How can I help, I asked. I am realizing.
Now I ask for the strength not to back away from this. For the strength to open the door and walk with confidence into this new phase of my life. For the ability to balance new projects into my life without letting other aspects suffer. To let go of what needs to be let go of. To have faith in my abilities. To flow with life forward and not cling to branches and logs in the river.
I feel I'm entering a new phase of my life. There is no use resisting, I can see all the steps that led me here to this door and now it's obvious I must open it and walk through. I'm hesitating a bit, feeling the fear of 'success' which means in fact a whole lot of resposibility and a commitment to working to my fullest potential. My lazy side protests. And also the part of me that would prefer to be 'just' a quiet hermit artist...with more nondoing than doing, more observation than action, and endless stretches of time to just Be. But I have to acknowledge that I feel a deep sense of purpose that is unfolding day by day, and it would seem unthinkable and irresponsible to try to ignore it. This is who I am,in this life anyway. These are my talents and strengths and this is what I may try to do for this world. Each of us has a role. And we must play it to the best of our ability.It may not be the actual actions that count so much but the flowing of energy in a certain direction, the expansion of the heart, the willingness to try. Dreams came to me years ago, speaking of things that seemed so improbable and so beyond me. Now my life is catching up to them, pathways illuminating.
I've only been able to really talk to B. about it. I just don't know where to start in explaining to anyone else. There's so much that lead up to this vision, all my artwork was one stepping stone after another, all my reading and searching and looking and contemplating and dreaming and hoping and hammering. So many ideas coming together, connecting, showing different scales of the same hope. Guide me, I asked. I feel so guided. Help me to see, I asked. I am starting to really see. How can I help, I asked. I am realizing.
Now I ask for the strength not to back away from this. For the strength to open the door and walk with confidence into this new phase of my life. For the ability to balance new projects into my life without letting other aspects suffer. To let go of what needs to be let go of. To have faith in my abilities. To flow with life forward and not cling to branches and logs in the river.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 01:57 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-05-07 02:33 pm (UTC)thanks for the hugs again. It's one of those days. Here's one for you:*hug* :)
a stone to help maybe....
Date: 2003-05-07 10:06 pm (UTC)and i just recommended one to a friend of mine who is working out her "path" right now and trying to let go of things that are holding her back.
its aventurine. you might want to try meditating with it. i'm actually making her what i call a "charm"... its basically a little stone and herb sachet thingie that i have "charged" with healing and helping energy. i enjoy making them for people. if you want, i could either tell you how i would go about making one for you. like a recipe and design one around what you want it to help with. or i could make one and send it to you.
i know i don't really know you... but reading your opendiary and now this livejournal has always felt special to me and inspired me. so... i think that it would be something i could do for you :) or like to help with.
let me know
~bonnie.
Re: a stone to help maybe....
Date: 2003-05-08 07:56 am (UTC)Re: a stone to help maybe....
Date: 2003-05-08 10:11 am (UTC)"recipe" for one or with your address so i can send it to you. i might need a few weeks to get it together :)
~b
boclaire@ureach.com
no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 05:52 am (UTC)Hey I sence great things from you... keep it up!
Re:
Date: 2003-05-08 07:57 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-05-08 09:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 01:12 pm (UTC)there are higs, then there are lows. when you achieve your dream it'll be like a soap bubble. you'll have to learn to enjoy replacing it with yourself. that's when the trouble starts, i think. when you've become the dream and the dream has been replaced by every day.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 06:32 pm (UTC)and once again, the trick, really, is to keep breathing.
Date: 2003-05-08 03:13 pm (UTC)But what about that goddamned straight line?
A line drawn, or cut with a razor or exacto knife, you know? Something you have to do with your own hand. If it's not too long, it's not bad, but the longer the line you have to lay down, the more stress builds up behind it, behind your hand, the more mind-boggling that thing is, almost taunting, right? Sometimes it's almost so much that you can just picture the muscles in your hand spasaming, suddenly, jerking clear out of track, or sometimes you just imagine suddenly grinding your teeth together and shaking and scribbling all over the goddamned paper -"FUCK THIS GODDAMNED LINE BULLSHIT...i need release"- and how do you deal with it?
You breathe, you relax, you think about it enough to know that you're still laying that line down, but not enough to overthink it and fuck yourself up. That line is a tightrope, and the way to walk it and not fall down is just to walk it with calm, and awareness, and the gentle skill of not looking down (or thinking about looking down).
This is just my two bits. Take it if it works and is useful to you. If not, eh! Put it in the kitchen where it can get sunlight and smell pretty. Water it now and again if you get a chance.
And congratulations,
And good luck,
and breathe and drink water and always always always do things to remind you that you're alive.
*hugs hard*
-Ed.
Re: and once again, the trick, really, is to keep breathing.
Date: 2003-05-08 06:41 pm (UTC)I've got to start tai chi or dancing again. SO good to remember you can really move without falling.:)