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Moodcloudbreak
Whew. I've been trying to deal with my moods...terrible terrible moods. Been a rough few days in that department. Feeling Overwhelmed and like things are falling apart and I am just falling too far behind in everything. Not wanting to do anything. Wanting to disconnect. From everyone..and from all tasks and responsibilities and group projects I'd undertaken, wanting to just Quit, no art installations, no wedding planning, nothing.Wanting to run away, or under the bed, or something.Absolutely Miserable. Trying to run away from my own spiralling echoing worries and yet everywhere I turned there I was. I couldn't sit still, couldn't focus, couldn't get anything done.Tears. (geez if this is just PMS lordy it's Bad, definitely chemical/hormonal.)I tried to appease my demons over the days, trying everything at different times... wine, movies (but of course I choose some Japanese suicidal flick, geez Dar..),chocolate, music, a shower,books,favorite foods,self-pleasure,writing (bookjournal), fresh air,workout,splurging on treats etc...but nothing could stop my cyclical worrying and feelings of despair. Worse because I felt I couldn't meditate or make art.Somehow I felt blocked from those very necessary things.
Finally today there was a break in my dark clouds. I was actually able to sit in my studio and paint a bit. *big exhale* I placed some pieces next to eachother on the floor..and felt a tiny spark of optimism return, a bit of confidence,a bit of 'hey I Just might be able to pull this off'. (Lots of show opportunities coming up and I've been feeling totally Incapable- my studio still in transition, the garage unworkable, no new works). So even though this was only a baby step, it made all the difference in the world because I'd been completely blocked. I sang along with Bjork while painting and then the Devdas Soundtrack. I got up and danced to two songs and felt that magic come through and the movements easy...and that made me very happy. Even though untouched, it's still there, that mysterious stuff. *big sigh of relief*
Now I wish I had a week of just studio time...to get right into the groove that opened and keep it going.
But I don't. Tomorrow is the closing reception at the Islip Museum and so I'm going to drive out to that and then pack all my works and drive them back home. Then Monday it's back to work at the shop, blahblah.
But I Did get a check today for a piece sold so that's a big relief. And another is on it's way, so I won't have to stress about the next month's rent at least. One thing less to stress about is Way good.And I'll get to make a 10% donation.:)I don't like the miserableworrywarteverwhelmed avaD, I want her to stay away. I hope she doesn't wake up with me tomorrow.Goodnight all.
Finally today there was a break in my dark clouds. I was actually able to sit in my studio and paint a bit. *big exhale* I placed some pieces next to eachother on the floor..and felt a tiny spark of optimism return, a bit of confidence,a bit of 'hey I Just might be able to pull this off'. (Lots of show opportunities coming up and I've been feeling totally Incapable- my studio still in transition, the garage unworkable, no new works). So even though this was only a baby step, it made all the difference in the world because I'd been completely blocked. I sang along with Bjork while painting and then the Devdas Soundtrack. I got up and danced to two songs and felt that magic come through and the movements easy...and that made me very happy. Even though untouched, it's still there, that mysterious stuff. *big sigh of relief*
Now I wish I had a week of just studio time...to get right into the groove that opened and keep it going.
But I don't. Tomorrow is the closing reception at the Islip Museum and so I'm going to drive out to that and then pack all my works and drive them back home. Then Monday it's back to work at the shop, blahblah.
But I Did get a check today for a piece sold so that's a big relief. And another is on it's way, so I won't have to stress about the next month's rent at least. One thing less to stress about is Way good.And I'll get to make a 10% donation.:)I don't like the miserableworrywarteverwhelmed avaD, I want her to stay away. I hope she doesn't wake up with me tomorrow.Goodnight all.
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Congratulations!
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