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THoughtspeed: Instincts and the nature of tragedy
Still trying to catch my breath/thoughts from this life that has sped up a bit too much.
I so miss reeeeaaaading.
And letting thoughts settle and swirl and settle again.
Bits here and there in between but why such a guilty pleasure. I feel I must run away from everyone and everything just to give myself a moment to feel. To see how I FEEL about things or visit the many layers of my mind. Otherwise I'm skating on the surface daily, doing and juggling and numb. I roll with the circumstances as best I can...listening and practicing a sort of tai chi rolling of the energies, smoothing off the sharper points before rolling back in hopes of soothing those I interact with...but not knowing how to deal with the core nuggets in the souls and things I detect on other levels. To see is different from knowing how to proceed.
At work I go day by day trying not to get pulled into the drama that is spiralling between my boss and her partners. I keep a distance though it all really saddens and drains me. I don't think I have the strength to try to understand the details, a big legal mess, and it doesn't seem my place at all...but it's the human suffering, the neurotic, self-defeating patterns of defensive/offensive perspectives that pain me the most to witness/listen to and I wish I could somehow just dissolve that. *sigh* But she's in the mess of it and everything is a jagged edge to her now. It's in her 'legal favor' to count and magnify offenses so she 'must'. Sadly it's just what is killing her spirit, and sadder still since she doesn't even Need the money enough to give up her soul for it like this. She was blessed with enough for everything but now somehow is choosing to live in a life of perpetual law suits, a sad game without any winners.
My dear uncle/godfather (falther's brother) is currently hospitalized in Puerto Rico for Alzheimer's, Demetia and a mix of other diagnoses. He had been medicated since Vietnam but through my life I knew him as the sweetest most loving godfather...true to his name, Angel. Now with changes in medication and age they describe a man I cannot imagine..who has episodes of violence and aggression, who periodically cannot remember or recognize his wife or my grandmother, who has become both a skeleton and a child, incapable of caring for himself or protecting others from himself. The suffering of his wife and my grandmother is unimaginable. I speak to my grandmother by phone and she is in tears, distraught with the pain of this, this happening to her son. And I don't understand either. it is beyond me, the WHY.
And I skate, and try to soothe her, while perspectives shift under my surface like tectonic plates.
My dreams are more visions....lives I do not/cannot know...details so vivid I know I am seeing not dreaming. A young girl and boy in Africa, an unravelling of unfortunate yet innocent instincts and circumstances...poverty, infection, death. Dusty dark still body, the skin I can see so clearly. Never had a chance. NO chance. why?
I wake more exhausted than when I went to bed. More questions itching under the surface as I go about my day.
Last night I went outside for a few moments to discard of leftovers. I talked to cats I could not see but felt, cats which unlike those at other houses we lived at, have not been friendly, though I so wished to make friends. The stars above. Something ominous and then an animal noise that gave me chills, i rushed inside. Was it two cats fighting? A rabid raccoon or possum? I felt silly but at the same time chilled to the bone.
This morning I went for a walk and saw the still body of a young small rabbit on the edge of our lawn. Flies. That sound I had heard was a cat bringing death to this rabbit. Body intact, perfect and beautiful minus the telltale flies. Not to eat. Just the need to kill. A possession of sorts. overwhelmed by a primitive instinct, by some tornado in the brain and blood. innocent? Like my boss attacking the ghosts around her, Like my godfather suddenly not in his right mind, like the young african boy following his urges, like the cat overcome by the night and hunting nature.
why.
These things loosely ravel themselves together into whispers- as I try to understand.
I so miss reeeeaaaading.
And letting thoughts settle and swirl and settle again.
Bits here and there in between but why such a guilty pleasure. I feel I must run away from everyone and everything just to give myself a moment to feel. To see how I FEEL about things or visit the many layers of my mind. Otherwise I'm skating on the surface daily, doing and juggling and numb. I roll with the circumstances as best I can...listening and practicing a sort of tai chi rolling of the energies, smoothing off the sharper points before rolling back in hopes of soothing those I interact with...but not knowing how to deal with the core nuggets in the souls and things I detect on other levels. To see is different from knowing how to proceed.
At work I go day by day trying not to get pulled into the drama that is spiralling between my boss and her partners. I keep a distance though it all really saddens and drains me. I don't think I have the strength to try to understand the details, a big legal mess, and it doesn't seem my place at all...but it's the human suffering, the neurotic, self-defeating patterns of defensive/offensive perspectives that pain me the most to witness/listen to and I wish I could somehow just dissolve that. *sigh* But she's in the mess of it and everything is a jagged edge to her now. It's in her 'legal favor' to count and magnify offenses so she 'must'. Sadly it's just what is killing her spirit, and sadder still since she doesn't even Need the money enough to give up her soul for it like this. She was blessed with enough for everything but now somehow is choosing to live in a life of perpetual law suits, a sad game without any winners.
My dear uncle/godfather (falther's brother) is currently hospitalized in Puerto Rico for Alzheimer's, Demetia and a mix of other diagnoses. He had been medicated since Vietnam but through my life I knew him as the sweetest most loving godfather...true to his name, Angel. Now with changes in medication and age they describe a man I cannot imagine..who has episodes of violence and aggression, who periodically cannot remember or recognize his wife or my grandmother, who has become both a skeleton and a child, incapable of caring for himself or protecting others from himself. The suffering of his wife and my grandmother is unimaginable. I speak to my grandmother by phone and she is in tears, distraught with the pain of this, this happening to her son. And I don't understand either. it is beyond me, the WHY.
And I skate, and try to soothe her, while perspectives shift under my surface like tectonic plates.
My dreams are more visions....lives I do not/cannot know...details so vivid I know I am seeing not dreaming. A young girl and boy in Africa, an unravelling of unfortunate yet innocent instincts and circumstances...poverty, infection, death. Dusty dark still body, the skin I can see so clearly. Never had a chance. NO chance. why?
I wake more exhausted than when I went to bed. More questions itching under the surface as I go about my day.
Last night I went outside for a few moments to discard of leftovers. I talked to cats I could not see but felt, cats which unlike those at other houses we lived at, have not been friendly, though I so wished to make friends. The stars above. Something ominous and then an animal noise that gave me chills, i rushed inside. Was it two cats fighting? A rabid raccoon or possum? I felt silly but at the same time chilled to the bone.
This morning I went for a walk and saw the still body of a young small rabbit on the edge of our lawn. Flies. That sound I had heard was a cat bringing death to this rabbit. Body intact, perfect and beautiful minus the telltale flies. Not to eat. Just the need to kill. A possession of sorts. overwhelmed by a primitive instinct, by some tornado in the brain and blood. innocent? Like my boss attacking the ghosts around her, Like my godfather suddenly not in his right mind, like the young african boy following his urges, like the cat overcome by the night and hunting nature.
why.
These things loosely ravel themselves together into whispers- as I try to understand.
no subject
i know what you mean by not having enough time for yourself because you get in the mix of everyone else. you definately need time for yourself so push everyone away. it's not being selfish because it's something you need...we all need or you end up losing yourself if you continue to put your feelings on the surface and have no time to truly think about it all.
my grandfather as well suffers from alzheimer's. he has turned into a greedy, mean, and racist man but i know it's his disease not him taking over...like a possession. he use to be generous, loving, and never hesitant to help. it's simply terrible....
every night i hear cats fighting right near my windo...it sounds so evil...scarey like a sound from the exorcist...it scares me so i sleep with my headphones on maximum volume. creepy huh.
take it easy with work and all and i hope you find more time to read, create...and of course write because you are a really good writer and i can tell you must be a person of substance and i appreciate that!
(no subject)
no subject
to make a decision is harder than following it through
spirals trace the path of decaying orbits
bright trails drawn into a whispering vortex
telemetry indicates impact
as limits approach the infinite
peeking in from the outside
the shooting stars can't be seen
from the bubble-windows of your shuttle
without the friction
<3 always, e (+ e)
"Sometimes I get overcharged,
that's when you see sparks.
They ask me where the hell I'm going?
At a 1000 feet per second"
- radiohead, the tourist
(no subject)